It was a surprisingly sunny October Saturday in Manchester and Alex and I were having a domestic about the lack of hairbrushes in my house. It turns out that a hairbrush would have been the straw that broke the camel’s back when it came to packing her weekend bag and for this it was my fault that I hadn’t provided one myself in anticipation.
After spending a considerable amount of time waiting for Alex to finish doing her hair with a nit-comb I had found in the back of the medicine cabinet, we were late setting off for the wedding.
We had to pick Faz (Daniel Farrell) up then head over to meet Jess and Reedy at Reddy’s house, where we would be met by Pete, Rhiannon and Rosie. Now a plan where so many people need to be in one place at one particular time is always ambitious especially when 3 people are relying on Pete to get them there on time.
Pete has many qualities but punctuality is not one of them. It’s a long running joke, I say joke, it’s a fact that Pete is shocking at time keeping. Also he looks like the puppet from Team America.
This occasion was no different, because of car space and the impending wedding taking place in Wales, we had to leave Faz behind to wait for Pete to pick him up and take him, Rosie and Rhiannon to the Wedding.
They were late for the Wedding.
Now this in a contentious issue because to Pete’s credit he made considerable time up on the journey and was in Wales for a decent time, unfortunately Alex had told them that the wedding started at 3:30 instead of 3:00 by mistake. Therefore at 3 O’clock as the service began, with Briony entering the church looking beautiful, Pete, Rhiannon, Rosie and Faz were round the corner blissfully unaware, killing time having a drink.
The service was a lovely and I have to admit I filled up a little on a couple of occasions, luckily Alex was on hand to bring me back from the brink with such comments as “is this to the tune of get your tits out for the lads” during the singing of Bread of Heaven and later on during the vows when she enquired about the Swansea City football result. She has got far too into Fantasy Football.
After the service we all gathered outside the church for some photographs. Briony and Ross looked amazing as photo after photo was taken with them with family, them with friends, them with family and friends. The group of us that went together all know the happy couple because we all volunteer on the same christian youth camp, the very youth camp where Ross and Briony actually met. With this in mind Briony’s dad thought it would be nice if there was a photo of us all together and without prior construction of his next load announcement in his head, he shouted “now a photo with all the camp people here today!” needless to say this announcement was met with a vast array of “ooo errs” and “Oh Matron”.
It was at this point Reedy noticed an old woman randomly entering photo left. He said “she’s not camp” to which I replied “oh she is, she was just telling me all about her small pussy”. Now this seems like a harmless enough throwaway line except I managed to say this in ear shot of the said old woman’s daughter, who not only had teeth so big she could chew an apple through a letter box she had a most displeased expression on her face.
After the photos, we headed to our hotel to check in, have some tea and get ready for the evening do. The hotel was cute and quaint with a nice log fire in the bar, although when they right up their next set of brochures I don’t think they should use the phrase “fantastic views" as a selling point.
Eventually after a few drinks and a round of Corky’s we headed back to the wedding, just in time for the speeches. Ross did the loveliest speech ever and once again I filled up. Next up was the best mans speech; I stood in nervous anticipation for the Rohypnol joke he told me he was going to slip in (no pun intended) luckily for all concerned he decided against using it.
After the speeches came the D.I.S.C.O and boy did we bust a move. We pulled out all the shapes, the lawnmower came out, the invisible skipping rope made an outing and at one point I found myself salsa dancing to Kings of Leon, as you do.
Next after some aggressive persuasion and a head full of sense diminishing alcohol, Faz went and chatted up a girl he had had his eye on for a while, what happened after this remains a mystery but they were gone for a considerable amount of time. After telling the bridesmaid about this amazing event she seemed surprised, what with the girl who is a friend of hers already having a boyfriend! Dun dun durrrrrn!!!!
By this point we were now very drunk, so much so we performed a sit down protest when a song we liked was turned off prematurely and the lads in the group, minus Faz who was still missing in action, had ties round our heads; the tell tale sign of a drunken moron.
Eventually the bar closed and the music stopped, this however was not going to stop us having fun. As I mentioned earlier Briony’s dad had introduced us all as Ross and Briony’s Christian friends. Therefore I think people were taken a back as we started chanting “Sexy time for Ross and Briony” as they left.
Rhiannon and I made one more impassioned plea for music but were told the night was over. But aided with the confidence inducing drink known as alcohol still rushing through my veins I took to the stage and... “I close my eyes, draw back the curtain”. It was at this point I noticed nobody was feeling my performance. I decided to step back from the limelight with dignity “well if no one is gonna listen i’m not gonna bother”... I walked off.
We eventually gathered our group back together and got in our taxi, passing a vomiting usher on the way, to head back to our hotel.
I have to say it was a pretty special day, and I raise a glass of water and an aspirin to the happy couple. To Mr & Mrs Hill!x