Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Flash goes to Guatemala Part 5 – Beef Beef and Alters

For a treat we got to eat out on the third night, not that the hotel food was not a treat, it was immense. We went to a nearby monastery that has been converted into a restaurant and hotel. I can’t actually remember what the place was called which is ridiculous because it is the most beautiful place I have ever been in my life.

Sure enough I can remember the name and address of the Country Inn Hotel, 1555b JFK Boulavard, Houston, Texas;  Which was so awful I’d rather take my chances at Bates Motel that have to stay there again, but no, the name of the most beautiful place I have ever been to, I ain’t a clue.

Still a bit tipsy from the afternoon session I had been on with Lisa I decided to try and teach people the ‘shipoopi’ song. The majority of the bus were not buying it, their loss. I suppose it could have been worse, I could have started a round of three coins in a fountain. 

When we arrived we were all in awe of how beautiful the place was. We were led to the banqueting hall, it was stunning. Earlier in the day I was teaching Lisa some English phrases such as ‘are you smuggling peanuts?’ meaning you’ve got cold nips on show. As we entered the stunning banqueting hall we were greeted by a massive painting that had Lisa and I in stitches as the woman in the painting looked like she was not only smuggling peanuts but  whole watermelons.

After ordering our food, I ordered steak as standard, we were allowed to have a walk round the monastery. Nothing had my prepared for what I was about to see. Every corner I walked round there was another piece of beauty that was better than before. The whole place was lit with candles and fairy lights, there were fountains, sculptures, ruins, artefacts and all kinds of stunning things that the written words of a Mancunian dyslexic will never be able to do justice to.

Just when I though it couldn’t get any prettier Mara and I turned round another corner and were hit with what I will always maintain is the most perfect place I have ever seen and I’ve been to Anfield and seen the Kop in full voice. We had stubbles upon an outside church with the simplest but most stunning stage and alter at the front, with white cloth just draped effortlessly from the top. It was almost like stumbling across the original stage from the globe theatre, steeped in history and character, but filled with the peacefulness of heaven.

I walked up onto the stage and to the left of the Alter and in a small lit locked room was a statue of Jesus. I was overcome with a weird feeling. I come from a Christian family and it is because of the Christian youth work I do that I was selected for this trip. I was stood in the most amazing place I have ever been to and in front of me was a statue summing up the reason I was there, it was very humbling.

After lots more walking about and seeing more and more beauty, I sat down for my meal. Lisa had ordered the Beef Beef; a dish that was so beefy they named it twice. It was well impressive, then mine turned up, it was the nicest piece of steak I have ever had. It turned into a drink as I bit it, it was so tender. Lisa tried her hardest to put me off it by saying that my refried beans looked like a turd with a Doritos stuck in it, it didn’t work.

Instead of desert I decided to have another walk round the place before we set off back to our hotel. When we got back to the hotel I headed straight to the bar to hit the Gallo. I kept drinking for quite a long time till one by one everyone left the bar and therefore I thought I had better leave. I walked to my room passed the hot tub where I noticed a group of bar drinkers had decamped to. To cut a stupid thought process even shorter, the next thing I know, I am sat in the hot tub in my undercrackers.

One thing I found out quickly about being in the hot tub in undercrackers is how chuffin’ heavy they become. I often say my arse is so big it’s not an arse it’s a buoyancy aid, well it was now engaged in a proper tussle with my undercrackers, my arse wanted to float but my cecks were pulling me down.

Eventually I got out and realised I didn’t have a towel. Luckily Linda leant me her dressing gown on the condition she definitely got it back the next day. I stumbled soggily to bed.
The next morning I lived up to my part of the deal as I walked into a full breakfast hall with Linda’s dressing gown and discreetly announced loud enough for everyone to hear, “I found this in my room this morning, I believe it belongs to you.” I knew exactly what I was doing and judging by the embarrassment on Linda’s face it looked like it worked.
I tucked into my breakfast in anticipation for our last day of building...

Coming soon Flash Goes to Guatemala Part 6 – Breezeblock, Salsa and Tears

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