Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Tales From Flash - I Showed That Lettuce Who Was Boss.

There hasn’t been much going on with my blog since the turn of the year, mainly because I have been so busy. Now things have settled down slightly I thought I would fill you in with what I have been up to.

Last year ended with a trip to North Wales for a few days with a group of friends to see off 2011 and bring in 2012 in style.

I had only passed my driving test a couple of months earlier and was not planning on driving the 250 mile round trip to Criccieth especially as my car was on its last legs and had a bad oil leak. Events transpired that I would have to drive myself, Alex and Faz all the way. Saying that I think I did a good job, I got us there safely with only two slight causes for concern; Aquaplaning at 70mph is a bit hairy and always remember to keep your eyes open for average speed zones early so you don’t end up pulling into the slow lane and having to chug along at 30mph to even out your speed.

We were in Criccieth for three days doing various things such as going to local pubs, doing quizzes, playing just dance on the Wii, going on walks and lots of other fun things.

On one day we walked to the poshest hotel in the town, we kicked off our muddy boots in the hall, sat down with our drinks and were promptly told the hotel would be closing in ten minutes so we had to drink up.

Now, I believe that if you are not cynical you are naive, and I’m happy for you to call me a cynic but it’s my humble opinion that at the  4* Bron Eifion hotel  4:20 does not signal a daily afternoon break but  maybe the fact they were closing had more to do with the 15 windswept, muddy 20 somethings that had just burst in, started drinking and were now encouraging guests and staff to join them in a round of charades around the grand fireplace.

On New Year’s Eve we headed to the beach for the years end countdown. The beach had quite a few people already there stood round bonfires. We took some Chinese lanterns to set off but the wind was bullying us and first of all ripped the first on we tried to light. We then tried to light the second, we lit the wick and waited for the hot air to fill the lantern, it was soon ready for flight. We lifted it up and as we did it soon deflated. What we hadn’t realised was that the wick had already fallen off and was just burning on the pebbles. Rather than quit our losses we turned round to light another only to realise they had decided to go for a swim and were currently floating off on the tide. Not to be defeated we stood round our burning wick and brought in the New Year huddled round a fire that would struggle to warm the cockles of a gnat.

The first adventure of 2012 was to head to the Castle. The first few of the group struggled to get over the wall, I stood and watched, then another couple found it a bit easier to climb over the 5 foot gate, I stood and watched for a bit longer and then decided to open the gate and walk through.

Prior knowledge to such silly excursions had led me to know that there is no lock on the gate.
We had a little walk round the ruins in the pitch dark, not a best idea proved by my impromptu bit of sledging down a muddy slope, sans sledge. We soon headed back to the hotel.

The next evening was a bit more subdued as some clown decided to put Harry Potter on. Now, I am just not a fan of Harry Potter, at all. I could sit here and try and sum up why, in a number of different ways but the best way to describe my feelings on the matter would be to use the words
of the Worlds 41st Best Comedian (as voted for by Channel 4 viewers), my comedy hero Stewart Lee.

I decided to sulk and sat next door watching Sherlock.

It was soon time for us all to pack up and head home, because i was just about to move house the guys let me take the majority of the leftover food home to fill my new fridge with. There was cereal, bread, tea bags, milk and salad including a couple of lettuces.

Once again me, Alex and Faz squeezed into my little poorly car and headed off. On the way back we decided to stop off at Cheshire Oaks Designer Outlet Village, it was a bit of a wafty idea considering it was a bank holiday and it was hammered. We were about to leave empty handed when in the last shop I made an impulse purchase, at 32” flat screen TV for my new gaff.
With the car park so full the man in the shop told me to pull my car up on the road behind the shop to put the TV in the car. I did. It was at this point I realised it wouldn’t fit in my car with all the crap already in there from our trip including the bags of food.

I was starting to get flustered there were cars coming passed people all around and there was no way it was going to fit. In the end I had to drive off to a lay-by and wait for Alex and Faz to walk over with the TV. After dropping seats re-packing the car over and over again, removing the TV from the box we managed to squeeze everything in the car, delicately. Needless to say my state of being flustered was edging towards rage. It was at this point I noticed that we had forgotten to pack one last thing, a lettuce. A measly green ball of salad.

I drop kicked it across the car park.

Coming soon: why i owe my new job to a bloke battering a pigeon with a stick